Reclaim your libido

I’m 35 years old, and my wife is 25. We have been married for four years now and both have fertility problems. After three years of tests, we are about to proceed with IVF. The problem is that I have lost interest in sex, fail to get aroused and now fear being intimate with my wife, although I am able to pleasure myself. I also fear what kind of father I will be.

If you read material on the impact of infertility on men, women and relationships, you’ll find that you are not alone. Your story is repeated time and again. Reproduction is a basic imperative; an imperative that one assumes will occur “naturally”. Therefore, when it “fails” to be natural, a feeling of devastation may occur. It becomes a personal insult, and people may experience a deep sense of shame and failure, so it becomes easy to see why sexual dysfunction may result from the stress of infertility problems.

To make matters worse, tests and procedures turn lovemaking into a clinical affair rather than an erotic experience. The goal shifts from pleasure to performance, which can result in sexual problems during this phase of trying to fall pregnant.

In order to function sexually, each person needs to be free of anxiety and depression, have a good sense of self-confidence and be attracted to their sexual partner. Your lack of desire appears to be directed to your partner, and not necessarily sex. You may also be lacking desire for the environment in which sex has been happening – maybe it has been a typical infertility environment; one in which white linen sheets, music and sex toys have been replaced by thermometers and pillows to prop up your wife in the hope that some healthy sperm will win the race through the cervical canal. And an atmosphere of tension and expectation for a good outcome (conception) may leave little room for orgasms.

Your inability to get aroused by your wife is not clinical erectile dysfunction as you say you are able perform when you are alone and in a low-pressure environment. You may have fallen into a negative pattern of association – sex with your wife equals the failure to conceive. And failure can be a very bitter pill to swallow.

Infertility counselling
Infertility can become all-consuming to a couple. They forget about themselves as a couple and focus instead on themselves as potential parents. There are counsellors who specialise in working with couples facing infertility. They can help you to remember what it’s like to rumple the sheets in a way that’s loving and fun, and remind you that you are always a couple, first and foremost.